The beauty of hindsight regarding a breakup

In a few days it’s going to be a year since my ex and I split up. This year of being single has been amazing. However, the first few months were agonizing and hard as I had to rebuild my self love from the pain of the breakup and emotional turmoil. I had become insecure and found it very easy to fall into the trap of self pity and blame. Such feelings are common given the circumstances and I never wanted to fall in love again. I also felt as if I had forgotten how to be single and being alone with my thoughts was unpleasant. I now look back and am grateful for the experience. My ex was my first proper boyfriend, my first love and he set the standard for every guy thereafter. The men I attract now are so much better than the boys I’d attract before that relationship. I am also a lot more aware of my self worth and do not feel I need attention or a male figure in my life constantly in order to feel good about myself.

I’ve never been one to rely on a male companion to feel fulfilled or happy however we all enjoy receiving attention and it’s fun having that someone to flirt and talk to. Being in love and the feeling of fresh romance is exhilarating and I can look back at the moments I first fell in love and feel the raw, intense joy it brings. That is how I know I have fully overcome the pain from that breakup and feel no bitterness towards my ex. I have reached a place of understanding and compassion. I see and understand that every relationship and romantic encounter is a lesson to us; they allow us to collect data on what we really want and need in a man. These “mistakes” allow progression and so when approached from a detached perspective, the breakups do not being pain, they bring us an opportunity to upgrade from the relationship we thought was best for us. I needed to make that mistake of falling in love and being attached in order to be able to look at myself later and realise where I had gone wrong in order to prevent that happening again. Being in love for the first time can be very confusing and overwhelming  The next relationships will only be better as I now know what it feels like to fall in love and how I should keep myself aware of the bigger picture in life at all times. We can easily lose sight and get caught up in the infatuation and feelings of romance. We can also easily get caught up in the feelings of bitterness, pain and over-thinking of what went “wrong” when the relationship ends.

Every emotion and experience serves us and it takes time for us to get over all the negative, confused emotions and thoughts to embrace that concept. I feel I am at my peak with my sense of self worth and what I deserve in a man and that will only expand in the future. Life just gets better and better as time goes on….if you let it.

When I now think of what I want in my man/husband, there is more on the list than there was 18 months ago. My ex was everything I wanted back then, the guys after him have been an upgrade since and now I am still adding to that list (I’d listen to Beyonc√© – Upgrade U after the breakup quite frequently ūüėČ hehe). I cannot wait to meet this amazing companion. However I am happy being single at the moment and I’m so in love with myself and life that I feel fulfilled. I feel satisfied yet excited and open to receiving more of life’s great gifts which are beyond our imagination. It’s all about finding that balance between feeling fulfilled and happy with life yet also aware and open to new experiences. Being so satisfied with life that you feel bored is stagnation, keep the imagination flowing.

So I’d like to say thank you to the universe for that heartbreak I experienced last year and the amazing year I’ve had being single. I feel strong, I feel love, I feel joy, I feel invincible, I feel aware and I feel expansive. As Anthony Robbins says, “Raise your standards.” Life presents you with higher standards through mistakes and so you can only receive better if you embrace every lesson life brings.

Heartbreak and Self Worth – Part 2

In July, I bumped into an old friend from¬†university¬†on graduation¬†whom¬†had liked me since first¬†year. I was aware of this at¬†that¬†time¬†however¬†I¬†was never ready to take it past¬†friendship. I felt this immediate and strong attraction to him after that day and¬†there’s¬†always¬†been chemistry¬†between¬†us and so we started talking again. He was amazing, everything I wanted after my ex. He treated me¬†well,¬†always told me I was¬†perfect¬†and beautiful, he would tell me how much he wanted to spoil me,¬†I¬†felt myself¬†around¬†him¬†and¬†so comfortable. It helped that we were friends before anything since I felt every feeling we expressed wasn’t just based on infatuation. Good things really do go for better to come along.¬†However¬†I¬†was still seeing other people since¬†I¬†did not want a relationship and I told him¬†I¬†wasn’t¬†after a¬†relationship¬†to clear any¬†misunderstandings. He had just got out of a relationship. We were both so loving towards¬†eachother,¬†we said we hadn’t felt so¬†comfortable and¬†close to someone¬†before. He told me that¬†I¬†made him very happy and feel great about himself since his ex’s were quite selfish. The only issue was that he¬†lived¬†far away so we’d only see eachother once a¬†month but¬†whenever¬†we were together it¬†was¬†the best. I felt so close to him in every way,¬†I¬†felt bliss. we felt great appreciation for eachother and¬†I¬†was¬†loving¬†it.

Things got deeper and we started to like eachother more¬†however¬†we’d say that as a relationship it would be hard since not seeing eachother all the¬†time¬†would eventually take its toll on us. I was enjoying¬†going with the flow and just relishing in all the positive aspects. I lost the desire to talk to other guys however¬†I¬†also felt that by¬†forcing¬†commitment¬†it would¬†make¬†the love between us conditional and¬†I¬†didn’t’ want us to hurt eachother since a lot of expectations come from¬†commitment.¬†4 months later and things have changed within a week.

He has chosen to¬†pursue¬†and be with a friend of his from where he lives since he so¬†desperately¬†wants a¬†girlfriend. He had mentioned earlier this week that he¬†couldn’t¬†handle the distance¬†between¬†us and wanted to see¬†other¬†people. At first¬†I¬†wasn’t¬†bothered¬†because we never said we can’t date others¬†however my ego came into play¬†I started thinking dark¬†thoughts. It felt liken the heartbreak from the previous break up was all coming back to me.¬†¬†I¬†could feel he was slipping away from me during the week and¬†that¬†I¬†may not be seeing him again in the romantic way and it hurt me.¬†I¬†started thinking fear based¬†thoughts¬†such as “he doesn’t want me anymore” , “he’s going to find someone and¬†I’m¬†not going to¬†be¬†with him again”, “I¬†don’t¬†want anyone else”, “how could he say all those things to me and now do this?”, “men are so fickle” etc.

I then reminded myself that when I finally found happiness after the split from my ex it was because I surrendered to the universe, accepted what was, focused on myself and embraced faith. I was full of life and love and this guy was the one that wanted to pursue me and liked me loads originally, I just went with the flow.

When he told me this morning that the girl had asked him out, I kept my replies graceful with a hint of bitchiness. He needs to know I’m fully aware of my¬†self¬†worth¬†and not upset (which I’m not) and boy am¬†I¬†grateful that¬†I¬†have¬†dealt¬†with this¬†disappointment¬†so well. I feel great and strong,¬†I¬†do not feel as if¬†I’ve¬†lost anything and¬†I¬†am more driven to do well for myself since I’ve seen how well things flow into place and how¬†ever-changing¬†life is. If we find ourselves back in eachother’s arms, we’ll see, since¬†I¬†know¬†he’s¬†always liked me loads and always will. This relationship he is in may work well or it may not. Things are¬†always¬†perfect at first¬†however¬†he’s pursued a relationship for the sake of having a girlfriend since he’s¬†bored¬†of being single. He wants to fill a¬†void¬†and has¬†given¬†up the¬†amazing¬†love we have/had out of desperation.

I control how¬†I¬†feel and¬†I¬†can’t help that he feels the way he does, however¬†I¬†feel great¬†because¬†life goes on and¬†I¬†am too blessed to be getting¬†upset. Never let the other¬†person’s¬†faults make you think you are lacking something. You are special,¬†beautiful¬†and amazing and it’s not your¬†fault¬†that other people can’t see or¬†value¬†that. We are all human and we all make¬†mistakes¬† As long as you have your own back and¬†stay¬†true to¬†yourself,¬†nothing¬†or no-one will¬†phase¬†you.

There is no room for self pity or sadness here. Only positivity and strength.

Heartbreak and Self Worth – Part 1

When me and my first love split up in January 2012 after 9 months of being together, I told myself positive things such as “everything¬†happens for a reason”, “good things go for better to come along” however I felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest and there a huge missing piece (clich√© I know). When we first fall in love, we make mistakes and become slaves to our¬†emotions¬†and feelings. I was so confused when I was falling for him since I didn’t¬†understand¬†all the feelings when I first fell for him¬†and¬†so I got very attached. However I became attached¬†because¬†HE was¬†attached¬†to me and would tell me he loved me and would never hurt me. I though I was safe, Never rely on someone’s words.¬†Attachment brings¬†pain.¬† A lot of the things happen without us realising no matter how strong we are as single women. The romance in the air takes over and feels like ecstasy. A few months into the relationship I felt as if I had stopped loving¬†myself¬†and¬†started¬†relying¬†on him for love which is the biggest mistake anyone can make: looking¬†outside¬†of one-self for love. When we split up, I felt as if I had¬†forgotten¬†how to be single and live for myself¬†because¬†everything had become¬†about him even though I thought I had still prioritised myself. It is very easy to become too¬†comfortable¬†in a¬†relationship¬†and lose sight of your life and how far you want to go. It’s as if the relationship becomes an obstacle since you have someone other than yourself to think about and insecurities come into play such as “what if we grow apart”, “what if he looks elsewhere for comfort”. The attachment was like a drug¬†because¬†whenever¬†we were apart it killed and¬†I¬†needed him. Relationships can be blissful however it must be from a place of¬†unwavering¬†happiness within yourself.

The pain of heartbreak was horrible, sometimes¬†I¬†felt great and then all of a sudden the pain and insecure, negative thoughts would come back to me. I had lost myself, I felt like¬†I¬†was crawling myself back into the light of positivity and unconditional self love. I am known for my confidence,¬†positive¬†attitude and¬†strength¬†as I’m always¬†helping¬†my girls feel good about themselves yet¬†I¬†was crying my eyes out everyday¬†saying¬†that no-one will ever love me. This was not me.

Sometimes you have to¬†accept¬†you’re hurt and let out all the anger and pain. I was trying to tame it and hope it faded away. When I finally accepted I was angry and hurt, the pain and¬†unresolved¬†bitterness started to¬†dissipate. I gradually¬†found¬†myself¬†again and felt stronger, wiser and better. I felt single and happy,¬†I¬†didn’t need a man and¬†didn’t¬†feel¬†I¬†had to¬†rush¬†into a relationship. I was so happy and in love with myself, I was shining. So many men were being attracted to me however I stayed focused on myself.¬†I¬†established what I wanted in my next perfect lover¬†however¬†I¬†also¬†know that mistakes are made to be¬†learned¬†from and to grow. Nobody is¬†perfect¬†and life is always giving us lessons to better ourselves.¬†I¬†don’t¬†need to be with someone to feel good and¬†I’m young and have a lot to explore yet before finding the one. Once I had got all of my confidence back, I felt fulfilled and more aware of the bigger picture.¬†I¬†told myself to always¬†prioritise¬†myself no matter what so that next time I go¬†through¬†a breakup, I will not feel so lost since relationships are to be learned from and we are always a work in progress. There are plenty more fish in the sea! Don’t limit yourself through fear, let the best things come to you with faith.