Heartbreak and Self Worth – Part 1

When me and my first love split up in January 2012 after 9 months of being together, I told myself positive things such as “everything happens for a reason”, “good things go for better to come along” however I felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest and there a huge missing piece (cliché I know). When we first fall in love, we make mistakes and become slaves to our emotions and feelings. I was so confused when I was falling for him since I didn’t understand all the feelings when I first fell for him and so I got very attached. However I became attached because HE was attached to me and would tell me he loved me and would never hurt me. I though I was safe, Never rely on someone’s words. Attachment brings pain.  A lot of the things happen without us realising no matter how strong we are as single women. The romance in the air takes over and feels like ecstasy. A few months into the relationship I felt as if I had stopped loving myself and started relying on him for love which is the biggest mistake anyone can make: looking outside of one-self for love. When we split up, I felt as if I had forgotten how to be single and live for myself because everything had become about him even though I thought I had still prioritised myself. It is very easy to become too comfortable in a relationship and lose sight of your life and how far you want to go. It’s as if the relationship becomes an obstacle since you have someone other than yourself to think about and insecurities come into play such as “what if we grow apart”, “what if he looks elsewhere for comfort”. The attachment was like a drug because whenever we were apart it killed and I needed him. Relationships can be blissful however it must be from a place of unwavering happiness within yourself.

The pain of heartbreak was horrible, sometimes I felt great and then all of a sudden the pain and insecure, negative thoughts would come back to me. I had lost myself, I felt like I was crawling myself back into the light of positivity and unconditional self love. I am known for my confidence, positive attitude and strength as I’m always helping my girls feel good about themselves yet I was crying my eyes out everyday saying that no-one will ever love me. This was not me.

Sometimes you have to accept you’re hurt and let out all the anger and pain. I was trying to tame it and hope it faded away. When I finally accepted I was angry and hurt, the pain and unresolved bitterness started to dissipate. I gradually found myself again and felt stronger, wiser and better. I felt single and happy, I didn’t need a man and didn’t feel I had to rush into a relationship. I was so happy and in love with myself, I was shining. So many men were being attracted to me however I stayed focused on myself. I established what I wanted in my next perfect lover however I also know that mistakes are made to be learned from and to grow. Nobody is perfect and life is always giving us lessons to better ourselves. I don’t need to be with someone to feel good and I’m young and have a lot to explore yet before finding the one. Once I had got all of my confidence back, I felt fulfilled and more aware of the bigger picture. I told myself to always prioritise myself no matter what so that next time I go through a breakup, I will not feel so lost since relationships are to be learned from and we are always a work in progress. There are plenty more fish in the sea! Don’t limit yourself through fear, let the best things come to you with faith.

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Amo Mann

Writer, Model, Pole Dancer, Chocoholic. Sharing what I learn whilst on this beautiful journey called life.

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