When something happens that culture and society tells you you should be upset about (e.g. a breakup). Pain and sorrow are great teachers however they do not always need to be felt. Loss is perceived, we never really lose anything or anyone since we are here by ourselves and for ourselves. Being happy is our natural state and if you’re not phased by something, don’t let your mind tell you you should be. Ego is the enemy which wants to bring you down. Stay blissful and bask in the greatness of everything around you. Life is a gift to be enjoyed and everything in life is temporary.
In July, I bumped into an old friend from university on graduation whom had liked me since first year. I was aware of this at that time however I was never ready to take it past friendship. I felt this immediate and strong attraction to him after that day and there’s always been chemistry between us and so we started talking again. He was amazing, everything I wanted after my ex. He treated me well, always told me I was perfect and beautiful, he would tell me how much he wanted to spoil me, I felt myself around him and so comfortable. It helped that we were friends before anything since I felt every feeling we expressed wasn’t just based on infatuation. Good things really do go for better to come along. However I was still seeing other people since I did not want a relationship and I told him I wasn’t after a relationship to clear any misunderstandings. He had just got out of a relationship. We were both so loving towards eachother, we said we hadn’t felt so comfortable and close to someone before. He told me that I made him very happy and feel great about himself since his ex’s were quite selfish. The only issue was that he lived far away so we’d only see eachother once a month but whenever we were together it was the best. I felt so close to him in every way, I felt bliss. we felt great appreciation for eachother and I was loving it.
Things got deeper and we started to like eachother more however we’d say that as a relationship it would be hard since not seeing eachother all the time would eventually take its toll on us. I was enjoying going with the flow and just relishing in all the positive aspects. I lost the desire to talk to other guys however I also felt that by forcing commitment it would make the love between us conditional and I didn’t’ want us to hurt eachother since a lot of expectations come from commitment. 4 months later and things have changed within a week.
He has chosen to pursue and be with a friend of his from where he lives since he so desperately wants a girlfriend. He had mentioned earlier this week that he couldn’t handle the distance between us and wanted to see other people. At first I wasn’t bothered because we never said we can’t date others however my ego came into play I started thinking dark thoughts. It felt liken the heartbreak from the previous break up was all coming back to me. I could feel he was slipping away from me during the week and that I may not be seeing him again in the romantic way and it hurt me. I started thinking fear based thoughts such as “he doesn’t want me anymore” , “he’s going to find someone and I’m not going to be with him again”, “I don’t want anyone else”, “how could he say all those things to me and now do this?”, “men are so fickle” etc.
I then reminded myself that when I finally found happiness after the split from my ex it was because I surrendered to the universe, accepted what was, focused on myself and embraced faith. I was full of life and love and this guy was the one that wanted to pursue me and liked me loads originally, I just went with the flow.
When he told me this morning that the girl had asked him out, I kept my replies graceful with a hint of bitchiness. He needs to know I’m fully aware of my self worth and not upset (which I’m not) and boy am I grateful that I have dealt with this disappointment so well. I feel great and strong, I do not feel as if I’ve lost anything and I am more driven to do well for myself since I’ve seen how well things flow into place and how ever-changing life is. If we find ourselves back in eachother’s arms, we’ll see, since I know he’s always liked me loads and always will. This relationship he is in may work well or it may not. Things are always perfect at first however he’s pursued a relationship for the sake of having a girlfriend since he’s bored of being single. He wants to fill a void and has given up the amazing love we have/had out of desperation.
I control how I feel and I can’t help that he feels the way he does, however I feel great because life goes on and I am too blessed to be getting upset. Never let the other person’s faults make you think you are lacking something. You are special, beautiful and amazing and it’s not your fault that other people can’t see or value that. We are all human and we all make mistakes As long as you have your own back and stay true to yourself, nothing or no-one will phase you.
There is no room for self pity or sadness here. Only positivity and strength.
When me and my first love split up in January 2012 after 9 months of being together, I told myself positive things such as “everything happens for a reason”, “good things go for better to come along” however I felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest and there a huge missing piece (cliché I know). When we first fall in love, we make mistakes and become slaves to our emotions and feelings. I was so confused when I was falling for him since I didn’t understand all the feelings when I first fell for him and so I got very attached. However I became attached because HE was attached to me and would tell me he loved me and would never hurt me. I though I was safe, Never rely on someone’s words. Attachment brings pain. A lot of the things happen without us realising no matter how strong we are as single women. The romance in the air takes over and feels like ecstasy. A few months into the relationship I felt as if I had stopped loving myself and started relying on him for love which is the biggest mistake anyone can make: looking outside of one-self for love. When we split up, I felt as if I had forgotten how to be single and live for myself because everything had become about him even though I thought I had still prioritised myself. It is very easy to become too comfortable in a relationship and lose sight of your life and how far you want to go. It’s as if the relationship becomes an obstacle since you have someone other than yourself to think about and insecurities come into play such as “what if we grow apart”, “what if he looks elsewhere for comfort”. The attachment was like a drug because whenever we were apart it killed and I needed him. Relationships can be blissful however it must be from a place of unwavering happiness within yourself.
The pain of heartbreak was horrible, sometimes I felt great and then all of a sudden the pain and insecure, negative thoughts would come back to me. I had lost myself, I felt like I was crawling myself back into the light of positivity and unconditional self love. I am known for my confidence, positive attitude and strength as I’m always helping my girls feel good about themselves yet I was crying my eyes out everyday saying that no-one will ever love me. This was not me.
Sometimes you have to accept you’re hurt and let out all the anger and pain. I was trying to tame it and hope it faded away. When I finally accepted I was angry and hurt, the pain and unresolved bitterness started to dissipate. I gradually found myself again and felt stronger, wiser and better. I felt single and happy, I didn’t need a man and didn’t feel I had to rush into a relationship. I was so happy and in love with myself, I was shining. So many men were being attracted to me however I stayed focused on myself. I established what I wanted in my next perfect lover however I also know that mistakes are made to be learned from and to grow. Nobody is perfect and life is always giving us lessons to better ourselves. I don’t need to be with someone to feel good and I’m young and have a lot to explore yet before finding the one. Once I had got all of my confidence back, I felt fulfilled and more aware of the bigger picture. I told myself to always prioritise myself no matter what so that next time I go through a breakup, I will not feel so lost since relationships are to be learned from and we are always a work in progress. There are plenty more fish in the sea! Don’t limit yourself through fear, let the best things come to you with faith.
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”